From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
