Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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