my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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