Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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