I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
