Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
