Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
