i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
