I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
