We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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