matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
