I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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