I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Drunk is not a location!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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