I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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