Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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