he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
