Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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