The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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