you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
