I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize