Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
