if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
