there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
