I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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