oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize