If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
