I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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