you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
