I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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