Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
