dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
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