Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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