she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize