Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
