I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
