John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
