The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
