my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
