I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
