Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
