just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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