my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
