He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
