I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
