Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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