He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
