Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize