he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
