I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
