this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
