I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
