help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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