so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize