fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
