I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
