Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
