I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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