woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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