did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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