This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
