The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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