I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
