dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I have post one night stand depression
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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