i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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