WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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