On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
