Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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