we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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