Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize