They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
