I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
